Columnists

Being There

Issue 40.17

We conduct “Mortuary Tours” throughout the year with various classes and groups.   I feel it is very beneficial, especially for youth groups to visit and see the inside of our facilities and to understand what we do and that a mortuary is not what is most typically represented on movie and television screens.  It is also important that they see all the areas so that any mystery and intrigue can be demystified and replaced with understanding.    Each group is different in their perception of funeral homes and the questions they have.  Many common questions are asked such as, what is embalming, how we deal with accident victims, if hair continues to grow following death or why do we have viewings.

A colleague shared with me what a sweet, young lady asked him, “I don’t know what to say or do when support I know has a loved one who dies.  What can I say or do for them”?  A very perceptive question for a teenager.

He shared an article about a woman named Michelle Newman who had lost her 22-month old son, James in a tragic accident:  “So many people don’t know what to say or do, so they do nothing.  But silence in the wrong response if you love someone who’s hurting.  Some people thought if they talked to me about James, they would remind me.  I hadn’t forgotten!  I was already crying.  If we don’t talk about it, it’s like you don’t care.  And what I really wanted someone to say is simply, I am so Sorry”.

She continued, “You don’t have to say something profound.  You don’t have to solve someone’s problem or take away their grief.  You just need to show up.”   She warned against trying to put a time limit on how long or how someone else can grieve.   And she said not to avoid talking about bolster person who is gone.  Even if it is uncomfortable, it gets easier. The phrase “they are in a better place” backfires, she warned, “It makes the bereaved feel like the place they had with them wasn’t good.” And don’t wait for someone who is grieving to get better.  Their loss will always be a part of their lives.  After an accident or any loss we can and do heal with time but our lives will never be completely the same.

We are fortunate to be in a community where families give and receive great strength.  I have witnessed many meaningful instances of caring and support both in word and in deed.   I hope we never lose sight of how important the answer is to this young teenager’s question.   Just “being there” for others in the trials of life and survival.

To arrange a mortuary tour for your group call Metcalf Mortuary at 435-229-4042

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