Issue 41.09
“Stop! I don’t want to talk about death and dying.” “Don’t even mention the words in front of my mother, father, etc.” I often hear these comments from families of hospice patients. Death and dying are not topics of conversation we are comfortable with as a culture and society — even when the time is appropriate to have such a conversation.
According to a recent study that was made by a prominent medical clinic, 80% of us wish to die at home surrounded by family and loved ones. However, this same study revealed 70% or more of us die in a hospital alone and among strangers whom we don’t even know! Why is dying in the comfort of our home and among family such a contradiction when it’s what we most desire?
One reason is the lack of understanding of doctors and family members to have this needed conversation with and for the terminally ill person. Doctors by their training and philosophy don’t want to have this conversation. Their professional stance is to do all they can for the terminally ill person. Talking about death and dying is not part of their normal traditional training.
This was brought home to me recently during a conversation I was having with a friend about hospice. Her father was placed in the hospital with chronic heart failure. The doctor did not inform his family that he was dying. Finally, a nurse told the family that their father was dying and the best thing they could do for him was to take him home. They took that advice and he died peacefully at home surrounded by his family.
With the advent of palliative care, this needed conversation on death and dying is taking place more frequently among medical professionals and families but we have a long way to go before we can reverse the statistic quoted earlier.
If we consider the option of our loved ones dying alone and among strangers rather than surrounded by family and close friends, it will give us the courage to begin this important conversation.
Luigi Persichetti is the chaplain for Southern Utah Home Care and Hospice and the minister of the Unity Church of Positive Living in St. George.