Humor Corner

            

 

 

 

You Gotta Love The Irish!

 

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, ‘Lord take pity on me.  If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!’

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, ‘Never mind, I found one.’

 

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

The man said, “I do, Father.”

The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”

Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.

“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”!

The priest said, “I don’t believe this.  You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

 

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.

He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.  “Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher.  “They say I died!!”

“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney.’Where are ye callin’ from?”

 

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.”

“Oh yeah” said Charlie, “And how did this one end?”

“When it was over,” Mike replied, “She came to me on her hands and knees.”

“Really,” said Charles, “Now that’s a switch!  What did she say?”

She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.

 

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.  As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.  A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.  Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.  He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.  He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”

Flynn said, “Why do you say such a mean thing?”

“Well,” Mary said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly…..it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.”

 

Get Better Soon

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.”
One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”

 

Finding her Place

On her way back from the concession stand, Julie asked a man at the end of the row, “Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?”
Expecting an apology, the man said, “Indeed you did.”
Julie nodded, and noted, “Oh good. Then this is my row.”

 

Choir Positions Open

Found in an actual church bulletin
Positions open in soprano, alto, tenor and bass. No others need apply.
PHYSICAL QUALIFICATIONS: Must be able to carry light musical notes part way across the sanctuary. Must have sufficient vision to see the director.
EXPERIENCE: No applications will be accepted from persons who have not sung, hummed, or whistled in the bathtub or shower at some time.
BEGINNING WAGE: Increased satisfaction and joy in the service of God.
FRINGE BENEFITS: Social Security. We promise you the security of social fellowship with other choir members.
HOURS: Thursday evenings from 7 to 8 PM & Sunday mornings. There is occasional opportunity for overtime.
RETIREMENT: Generally determined by the printed notes getting too small, the hymnal too heavy, notes too high, the sanctuary too hot or too cold, or the organist unable to play the notes you sing. We are an equal opportunity employer!

 

Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

– Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
– A day without sunshine is like…night.
– On the other hand, you have different fingers
– 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
– 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
– Remember, half the people you know are below average.
– He who laughs last thinks slowest.
– Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
– The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

– Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
– A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
– Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
– If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
– How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

– When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
– Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
– Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
– How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
– Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
– What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
– I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
– Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
– Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
– Just remember – if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.
– Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
– OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

– Life isn’t like a box of chocolates; it’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Mother Knows Best

 Joining The Army

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter’s office. 
There were audible gasps around the table, and then some laughter as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. “Oh, come on, quit joking,” snickered one. “You didn’t really do that, did you?” 
“You would never get through basic training,” scoffed another. 
The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, “Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?”

 

My Mother Taught Me

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION… “Just wait until your father gets home.” 
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING…. “You are going to get it when we get home!” 
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE… “What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don’t talk back to me!” 
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC… “If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.” 
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE… “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.” 
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD… “If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.” 
7. My Mother taught me ESP… “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you’re cold?” 
8. My Mother taught me HUMOR… “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” 
9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT… “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.” 
10. My Mother taught me about SEX…. “How do you think you got here?” 
11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS… “You’re just like your father.” 
12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS… “Do you think you were born in a barn?” 
13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE… “When you get to be my age, you will understand.” 
14. And my all time favorite… JUSTICE… “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you….Then you’ll see what it’s like.”

 

Hunting Flies:

A son walked into the kitchen to find his mother stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Hunting Flies,” she responded.
“Oh! Killed any?” he asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” she replied.
Intrigued, he asked. “How can you tell?”
She responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”

 

 

The Bathroom

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.

With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors.

“Just a minute,” I said, thinking of a quick solution. “I’ll put down newspapers.”
“That’s all right, lady,” he responded. “I’m already trained.”

Humor Can Be A Serious Affair

 For those that don’t know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.
General Cosgrove was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his Military Headquarters when he was interviewed on the radio recently. This is his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this; one of the best comeback lines of all time.
Female Interviewer:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
General Cosgrove:
We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
Female Interviewer:
Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?
General Cosgrove:
I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
Female Interviewer:
Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
General Cosgrove:
I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
Female Interviewer:
But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.
General Cosgrove:
Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?
The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

 

Water in the Carburetor

Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.” 
Husband: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.” 
Wife: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.” 
Husband: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?” 
Wife: “In the pool.”

 

No Tail Light

“How long have you been driving without a tail light?” asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. 
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan. 
He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. 
“Come on, now,” he said, “you don’t have to take it so hard. It isn’t that serious.” 
“It isn’t?” cried the motorist. “Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?”

 

Bad Leg

A man goes into the doctor.  He says, “Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something’s wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you’ll hear it!” 
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man’s thigh, only to hear, “Gimme 20 bucks. I really need 20 bucks.” 
“I’ve never seen or heard anything like this before. How long has this been going on?” The doctor asked. 
“That’s nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee.” 
The doctor put his ear to the man’s knee and heard it say, “Man, I really need 10 dollars. Just lend me 10 bucks!!” 
“Sir, I really don’t know what to tell you. I’ve never seen anything like this.” The doctor was dumbfounded. 
“Wait Doc, that’s not all. There’s more, just put your ear up to my ankle,” the man urged him. 
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, “Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, please, if you will.” 
“I have no idea what to tell you. There’s nothing about it in my books,” he said, as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. 
“I can make a well educated guess though,” he continued. “Based on life and all my previous experience, I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places.”

Be My Valentine

 A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

 

50th Wedding Anniversary

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50^th. wedding anniversary. 
On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he’s getting sentimental because they’re celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, “No, I was thinking about the time before we got married.
“Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he’d have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn’t marry you. Tomorrow I would’ve been a free man!”

 

Three Old Men

Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now. 
“I would like my grandchildren to say, ‘He was successful in business’,” declared the first man. 
“Fifty years from now,” said the second, “I want them to say, ‘He was a loyal family man’.” 
Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, “So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?” 
“Me?” the third man replied. “I want them all to say, “He certainly looks good for his age’!”

 

A Mommy Moment

Four-year-old Mitch loved candy almost as much as his mom Ann did. He and Daddy had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine’s Day. A few days later Mitch was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Ann said to him, “If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?”
“Oh, yes,” he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. “Now I can eat them all.”

 

Age is a Funny Thing

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, “Surely I can’t look that old?” Well…. You’ll love this one!
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his, DDS, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm … Or could he?
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
“Yes. Yes, I did. I’m a Mustang,” he gleamed with pride.
“When did you graduate?” I asked.
He answered, “In 1959. Why do you ask?”
“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled SOB asked, “What did you teach?”

 

Growing Up

My son Mark was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn’t return home again until the February break.
When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. My son was as surprised as I.

“Couldn’t you tell by your clothes that you’d grown?” I asked him.
“Since I’ve been doing my own laundry,” he replied, “I just figured everything had shrunk.”

 

Out of the Home

While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, “No, I also work … out of our home.”
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in. “He was born at home,” I answered.
The man looked at me, and then said, “Wow, you don’t get out much, do you?”

 

A Nice Boy

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.”
“Oh please, Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

Understanding A Woman’s Language

“Fine” – This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
“Five minutes” – This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.
“Nothing” – This means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine”.
“Go Ahead” (with raised eyebrows) – This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”.
“Go Ahead” (normal eyebrows) – This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care”. You will get a raised eyebrow “Go ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

 

 Wedding and Golf?

 

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said, “What are your golf clubs doing here?”
He looked her right in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”

 

 Walking on Water

 

All of his life Roger from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they’d walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
So when Roger’s 21^st. birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Roger stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Roger went to see his grandmother. “Grandma, it’s my 21^st. birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”
Granny looked into Roger’s eyes and said, “Because your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July.”

 

 Free Fridge

 

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying “Free to good home, You want it you take it”.
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal, looks to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read “Fridge for sale $50”. The next day someone stole it.

 

Heavenly Humor

Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church.

Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals. The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters.

Concerned for my husband’s safety, I waited in a pew.

Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.

Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, “Sam, Sam, are you up there? Did you make it okay?”

There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam’s hearty voice echoed down, “Yes, I made it up here just fine!”

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”

As my five-year-old-son and I were headed to McDonald’s one day, we passed a car accident.

Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, “We should pray.”

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: “Please, God, don’t let those cars block the entrance to McDonald’s.”

A preacher, who shall we say was “humor impaired,” attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my wife!” The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, “And that woman was my mother!”

The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he’d give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!”

The congregation inhaled half the air in the room.

After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, “…and I can’t remember who she was!”

From The Church Bulletin:

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m.The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled.Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

It’s Just A State Of Mind

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a bit more clear…

IN PRISON… you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell;

AT WORK… you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON… you get three meals a day;

AT WORK… you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON… you get time off for good behavior;

AT WORK…you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON… the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you;

AT WORK… you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON… you can watch TV and play games;

AT WORK… you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON… you get your own toilet;

AT WORK… you have to share

IN PRISON… they allow your family and friends to visit;

AT WORK… you can’t even speak to your family.

IN PRISON… all expenses are paid by the tax-payers with no work required;

AT WORK… you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON… you spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.

AT WORK… you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON… there are wardens.

AT WORK…they are called managers.

But cheer up, because

IN PRISON… you have to stay all the time.

AT WORK…you get to go home sometimes.

Great Quotes From Police Officers:

“The handcuffs are tight because they’re new.They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“So, you don’t know how fast you were going.I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help.Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

“Warning!You want a warning?O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”

“Yeah, we have a quota.Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

“Life’s tough, it’s tougher if you’re stupid.”

“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore.We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

“Just how big were those two beers?

“In God we trust, all others are suspects.”

It’s So Hot in St. George That …

The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walkin’

The HABANERO peppers in my garden are hunting a shade

It makes me want to take off my skin and sit in my bones.

My outdoor thermometer was banging on the door to come inside.

It’s so hot the retirement home is having a wet t-shirt contest.

IT’S SO DRY IN ST. GEORGE THAT…

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

you would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.

A sad St. Georgian once prayed, “I wish it would rain – not so much for me, cuz I’ve seen it — but for my 7-year-old.”

A visitor to Utah once asked, “Does it ever rain out here?” A rancher quickly answered “Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?” The visitor replied, “Yes, I’m familiar with Noah’s flood.” “Well, “the rancher puffed up, “we got about two and a half inches of that.”

YOU KNOW YOU’RE IN St. GEORGE WHEN…

You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

You can say 110 degrees without fainting.

You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.

You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.

No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

 

Medically Necessary

 

What The Doctor Says And What The Doctor Really Means!

“This won’t hurt a bit.”(“It will hurt a lot.”)

“This should be taken care of right away.”(“I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.”)

“Welllllll, what have we here…” (Since he hasn’t the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.)

“We’ll see.” (“First I have to check my malpractice insurance.”)

“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.” (“I’m playing golf this afternoon”)

“Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.” (Since he hasn’t the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.)(Proctologists also say this a lot.)

“I have some good news and some bad news.” (The good news is he’s going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you’re going to pay for it.)

“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”(“I think I’m going to throw up.”)

One-Liners

My doctor charges so much, when he gets sick, he can’t afford himself.

The chest X-ray showed I had pimples on my left ventricle. I said, “Doc, what does that mean?” He said, “You’re still a teenager at heart.”

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. So does not having health insurance.

My doctor said, “How come you have (MGX-872) tattooed on the back of your legs?” I said, “That’s not a tattoo — that’s where my wife ran into me while I was opening the garage door.”He said, “You’ll have to come back tomorrow — I only see patients with odd numbers today.”

My doctor cancelled me as a patient. He said I’d gone too long without having anything expensive.

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, “I wish you’d come to me sooner.”

You have to envy doctors. They bury their mistakes — we elect ours.

A List of Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery:

Oops!

Has anyone seen my watch?

Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?

Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingy

What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change!

Damn, there go the lights again…

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

What do you mean, he’s not insured?

Let’s hurry, I don’t want to miss “The Bachelor.”

What do you mean “You want a divorce”!

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Very Punny

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.  One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.  Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.  When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it’s your vote that counts.  In feudalism it’s your Count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ———————————————– Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes——————————- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store —— Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia —————————– U Gogh

His magician uncle ——————————– Where-Diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin —————————————- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin’s American half-brother ———— Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach ————— Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ————————————- Can’t Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt ——————————– Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle ————————————– Flamin Gogh

The fruit-loving cousin ————————————– Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking —————— Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ———————————– Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco ————————————– Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV — Winnie Bay Gogh

Young As You Feel

How To Stay Young

1.  Try everything twice. On one woman’s tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph: “Tried everything twice; loved it both times!”

2.  Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)

3. Keep learning:  Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.  Never let the brain get idle.  ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’   And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.  And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.

6. The tears happen:  Endure, grieve, and move on.  The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.  LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.  Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it.  If it is unstable, improve it.  If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don’t take guilt trips.  Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance.Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Old Age Bites!

You’re getting old when you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

Statistics show that at the age of sixty, there are three women to every man.Isn’t that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

Old age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.

Old age is when you realize you still have stopped growing at both ends, and continue to grow in the ‘old’.

Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.What could hell possibly be like?Home videos of the same reunion?

A man has reached sixty when he is cautioned to slow down by his Doctor instead of by the police.

Old age is having a choice of temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you’re into ‘old’ when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation.As you grow older, it will avoid you.

You’re old when “getting lucky” means you find your car in the Parking lot.

The Dating Game

An Eye for Love

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back.

“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pop her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible.

“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies … “You just happened to catch my eye.”

New Definition of Hell

Three guys found themselves in Hades: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3’4″, dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, “Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!” And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7′ tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair [1],and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, “Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!” And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of … Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

“Cindy, you have sinned ……..”

CREATION

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so man would live a long and healthy life.

But Satan created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the double cheeseburger. And McDonald’s said to man, “You want fries with that?”

And man said, “supersize them” and man gained pounds.

And God said, “Try my fresh salad.”

But Satan created ice cream. And man gained pounds.

And God said, I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.”

But Satan created steak so big that it needs its own platter. And man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

But Satan created cable TV with remote control so man would not have to toil to change channels. So man watched others exercise and man gained pounds.

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

But Satan created deep fried potatoes called potato chips and dips in which to plunge them.And man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in fat and cholesterol, it tasted good, but man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

But Satan controlled the health care system.

(To be continued…)

Equal Time

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” – Rod Stewart

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.

GCF: Working For the Government

You know you work for the government when:

1. The process becomes more important than the product.

2. You don’t see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about.

3. You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there.

4. You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.

5. You fly first class across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money.

6. You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym.

7. You understand the rationalization of an acronym composed of acronyms.

8. You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance. (A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor, but the same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention.)

9. You’ve sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.

Have A Few Chuckles!

Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?

A. They take the psychopath.

Q. How do you get holy water?

A. Boil the hell out of it.

Q. What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?

A. “Dam!”

Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

A. Polaroids.

Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?

A. A stick.

Q. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?

A. Nacho Cheese.

Q. What do you call Santa’s helpers?

A. Subordinate Clauses.

Q. What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?

A. Quatro sinko.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A. A nervous wreck.

Q. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Where do you find a dog with no legs?

A. Right where you left him.

Q. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

A. Because they have big fingers

Q. Why don’t blind people like to sky dive?

A. Because it scares the dog.

Q. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?

A. Sanka.

Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

A. The location of the dirt bag.

Q. What do you call skydiving lawyers?

A. Skeet.

Q. What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop clop clop?

A. An Amish drive-by shooting.

Q. How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?

A. Somebody’s gonna lose a trailer.

I had a friend who was a clown.When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I had some eyeglasses.I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I have an answering machine in my car.It says, I’m home now.But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.

I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end.I’m not sure how I got there.

I love to go shopping.I love to freak out salespeople.They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?”Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”

I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s.She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I play the harmonica.The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out.Now my car goes 500 miles per hour.The harmonica sounds amazing.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Thoughts On Aging

Only little children like to get old. They’re so anxious to get old that they think in fractions. If you ask my grandson how old he is, he says: “Six and a half!”

Did you ever hear an adult say he’s fifty-six and a half?

And if you ask a teenager how old he is on the day after his seventeenth birthday, he’ll say, “I’m going on eighteen.”

And then we become 21. It’s like becoming a millionaire.

But we turn 30 — like milk turning sour.

Then the vocabulary of age becomes defensive. We say we’re pushing 40.

Ten years later, we reach 50.

That’s the beginning of a turn toward smug self-satisfaction. We say, “I made it to 60.” And then — just when you’re beginning to feel good about your new-found independence — you turn your head for a moment, and you hit 70. That hurts.

After that . . . well, it’s day by day. From then on, you hit Wednesday. Some days, you hit lunch. You don’t even buy green bananas any more. Your body gets shorter and your jokes get longer.

And then, a wonderful thing happens. You become a kid again. If you ask people in their nineties how old they are, they’ll say: “I’m 92. And a half.”

Besides, the only subjects I know about are ulcers, hemorrhoids, hair loss, and senility. I worry less about planning and zoning than about prostatitis and colonoscopies. But except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as good as ever.

I can remember in high school when a common pimple was a health crisis. Now, if I have a pimple, I cultivate it — hope it’s the beginning of adolescent acne. But it’s hard to be concerned about a pimple on your nose when you’re nursing a hemorrhoid the size of a concord grape.

But at my age, few pleasures remain. The sensual highlight of my day is biting down on a cherry tomato and feeling that explosive squish in my mouth.

I’m tired of all this talk about natural foods and exercise. At my age, I need all the artificial coloring and preservatives I can get. And the only reason I would ever consider jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.

The experts tell us sexual interest continues well into the 90s. For me it was ’98 . . . October, I think. My wife keeps reminding me.

I’m of the age where I can’t take “yes” for an answer.

You have wild oats. I have prunes and All-Bran.

For me, “Getting a little action” means the wheat bran is working.

And “getting lucky” means finding my car in the mall parking lot.

When I rent x-rated movies, I run them backwards, because it’s more satisfying to watch people get dressed and go home.

Human Resources In Heaven

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of Hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators and the engineer is becoming more popular by the day.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So…how’s it going down there?” Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. There’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

“You’ve got an engineer?? That’s a mistake,” says God. “He should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

“No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him,” says the Prince of Darkness.

“Send him back or I’ll sue,” the Almighty warns.

Satan laughs uproariously and tells the guy upstairs: “Yeah right, and just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

This morning — from a cave somewhere in Pakistan — Taliban Minister of Migration Mohammed Omar warned the United States that, if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America’s supply of convenience store managers.

If this dire action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next. It’s getting really ugly!

A State Police officer was sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers.

He sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide open and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding. But you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she says.

“No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly. Twenty-two miles an hour!,” the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask: Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken. They haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.”

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119.”

A Touch Of Humor

Actual Letters That Dear Abby Was At A Loss How To Answer

Dear Abby: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby: What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby: I have a man I can never trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.

Dear Abby: I joined the navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now, how do I get out?

Dear Abby: My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Of Course, God Enjoys A Good Laugh

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone “brother” 2. He liked Gospel 3. He couldn’t get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into His Father’s business. 2. He lived at home until he was 33. 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 1. He talked with his hands. 2. He had wine with every meal. 3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 1. He never cut his hair. 2. He walked around barefoot all the time. 3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married. 2. He was always telling stories. 3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all—3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 1. He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was no food. 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it. 3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.Amen!!!

Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the United Nations. The only question asked was, “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?” The survey was a huge failure:

In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.

In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.

In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.

And in the United States they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.

Good Enough for Government Work

Consider the bored bureaucrat — so much time, so little to do.

There was Fred, who ran across an ancient oil lamp as he was cleaning out a desk. Naturally he gave it a rub and naturally a genie appeared willing to grant him three wishes.

Fred was in Washington for the long, hot summer so naturally he asked for a cold beer — which instantly appeared.

His second wish: To be on a tropical island surrounded by 12 lovely, naked women, all eager for his attention. In a second he was transported to the land of his dreams.

Then came his third wish: To never have to work again.

Instantly, he found himself back in his government office.

Consider the case of man so attached to his canine companion he had to make traveling arrangements ahead.

The pet owner wrote to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit: “I would very much like to bring my dog with me.He is well-groomed and very well behaved.Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner: “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years.In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.

“Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re also welcome.”

Classic Combo

A creature rose up out of the surf and came ashore. Its garments were made of green sea lettuce. “I am the friendly Witch of the Sand,” she said, ” I am only going to sunbathe.”

The sun was terribly hot.Her skin began to bake and it turned as red as a ripe tomato! Have you ever seen … a baking lettuce and tomato Sand Witch?

What Men Know …

That PMS is Mother Nature’s way of telling you to get out of the house.

That if she looks like your mother, run.

That there are three sides to every story: His, hers, and the truth.

Mother Nature’s best aphrodisiac is a naked woman.

Never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

How to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

That from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

That a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get ticked off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

That there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi.

That it’s never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

That men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

10 Things that Suck About Being a Guy

1.You have to take out the garbage

2.Being told to put the seat down

3.No sofas in your restrooms

4.External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs

5.Even if you get you head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you’re not allowed to cry

6.James Bond movies only come out every two years

7.Ribbed for her pleasure — not yours

8.You have to wear ties

9.You can’t flirt you way out of a traffic ticket

10.“Women and children first”

Why It’s GREAT To Be A Guy…

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Foreplay is optional.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don’t care if no one notices your new haircut.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too icky.

Same work… more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.

Princess Di’s death was just another obituary.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”

One mood, all the time.

Odds And Ends

Ten Commandments

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse! You cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,” and “Thou Shalt Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.

Cows

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

Our Constitution

“They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it’s worked for over 200 years and we’re not using it anymore.”

Age And Treachery

Mavis is on a photo safari in Africa, with her faithful aged poodle Cuddles, along for the company.

While wandering about, Cuddles notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he says “Whew! That old poodle nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

The monkey strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Cuddles sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: “Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”

Moral of this story

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!  BS and brilliance only come with age and experience!

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,

“Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

“Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”

Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”

“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”

“Yep… No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,

“Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”

The other man asked, “What is the name of the restaurant?”

The first man thought and thought and finally said,

“What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns.”

“Do you mean a rose?”

“Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,

“Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

A couple in their nineties is both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. “Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he asks.

“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

“Sure.”

“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.

“No, I can remember it.”

“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?”

He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?” she asks.

Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!”

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

“Where’s my toast?”

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”

Second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!”

Third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.”

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”

‘Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”

“Twelve thirty.”

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc, “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, “You’ve got a heart murmur, be careful.”

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”

“No,” he replied, “Arthritis.”

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU’RE TOO OLD TO BE TRICK OR TREATING

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, “Great Keith Richards mask!” and you’re not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-husbands/wives live.

Today is a good day I beat my own “personal best” record for “consecutive days staying alive.”

 

DEM BONES

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn’t considered the drive across town.

At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, “I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.”

The other driver leaned out of his window. “I hate to tell you, lady,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”

REPORT ON C-NILE VIRUS

I thought every one would want to know about this email virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to mostly affect those of us who were born prior to 1948.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished.

7. Causes you to hit “DELETE” instead of “SEND.”

One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Airborne Humor

AIR DISASTER

Poland’s worst air disaster occurred today when a small two seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Poland.

Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

PROBLEM SOLVED

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. “Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight.

(P)= PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid. (S) #2 propeller seepage normal – #1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit. (S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. (S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud. (S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield. (S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent. (S) Cannot reproduce problem on the ground.

(P) IFF inoperative. (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. (S) That’s what they are there for.

(P) Number three engine missing. (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles FUNNY. (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, “fly right” and be serious.

(P) Target radar hums. (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

SIGNING

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.

She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched

We Love Blondes!

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?

“Look! They spelled MACY’s wrong!”

She was a bit overweight, so the blonde’s doctor put her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returned she’d lost nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing! “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.

“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.

What is every blonde’s ambition in life?

To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out “green side up!”

In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.

He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled “green side up!”

The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.

In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.

The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled “green side up!”

The lady then asked him, “Why do you keep yelling ‘green side up’?”

“I’m sorry,” came the reply. “But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

How did the blonde burn her nose?

Bobbing for French fries.

Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air?

She missed.

The milkman asked, “Pasteurized?”

The blonde said, “No. Just up to my breasts.”

What did the blonde name her pet zebra?

Spot.

Not a Martha Stewart Thanksgiving

To All Our Family and Friends:

Just a note to let you know we are hoping to see you Thanksgiving Day. But….

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I’m telling you in advance, so don’t act surprised.

Since Ms. Stewart won’t be coming, I’ve made a few small changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I’ve gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper.  The artist assures me it is a turkey.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We’ve also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner.  For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress “private” meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that “passing the rolls” is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it. I hope you aren’t too disappointed that Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won’t come next year either.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!

Going To The Dogs

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

When loved

ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience

Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout…run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be Loyal. Never pretend to be something you’re not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goats’ milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing.

These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, “What do you do in America with your older goats?”

A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours.”

From The Mouths Of Babes

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

“You’ve got so many freckles, there’s no place to paint!” a girl in the line said to the little fella.

Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. “I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child’s cheek.

“Freckles are beautiful!” The boy looked up, “Really?” “Of course,” said the grandmother. “Why, just name me one thing that’s prettier than freckles.”

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma’s face, and softly whispered, “Wrinkles.”

 

Talking About Health Care …

The number of physicians in the United States is 700,000.

Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year is 120,000.

Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (US Dept. of Health & Human Services).

The number of gun owners in the US is 80 million (yes, 80 million!).

The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.

The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.

Statistically, doctors are about 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners

Fact: Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has a doctor. Some have more than one!

Please alert everyone you know to this threat. We must ban doctors for the good of humanity.

I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock would cause people to seek medical attention.

How to Cook a Turkey

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

Christmas By The Book

Before we get down to the happy business of singing Christmas Carols this month, the following are some things to consider from an Elfin Safety point of view:-

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow

In a one horse open sleigh

O’er the fields we go

Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched

Their flocks by night

All seated on the ground

The angel of the Lord came down

And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd’s has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via tv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts. Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer

had a very shiny nose.

And if you ever saw him,

you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities Act, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions – including suspension on full pay – will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road

Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The ASPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey

This ‘N That

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for maybe five minutes. When I came out there was a darn cop writing out a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, “Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?” He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires So I called him a piece of horse dung. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes… the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t give a darn. My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It’s important at my age.

AND WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HEARD A POLISH JOKE?

I thought so.

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, “I’d like some Polish sausage.” The clerk asks if the guy is Polish.

The guy, clearly offended, says, “Well, yes I am.

But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or, if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I had asked for a chorizo, would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?”

The clerk says sheepishly, “Well, no.”

With deep, self-righteous indignation, the guy says, “Well, all right then! Why did you ask me if I’m Polish, just because I ask for Polish sausage?”

The clerk replies, “Because this is Home Depot.”

Santa Stats

U.S. has 78 people registered under S. Claus and one under Kriss Kringle

December is the most popular month for nose jobs.

Weight of Santa’s sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons.

Number of reindeers required to pull a 333,333-ton sleigh: 214,206 plus Rudolph.

Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour. With real beard: $20.

To deliver all his gifts in one night, Santa would have to make 822.6 visits per second (at 3,000 times the speed of sound).

At that speed, Santa and his reindeers would instantaneously burst into flames in Earth’s atmosphere just like meteors.

Christmas Wishes

How Angels Came To Be Atop The Tree

Santa was very cross.It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies.The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys.The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk.To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious.”I can’t believe it!I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours – all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas tree!I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn’t even back yet!What am I going to do?”

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree.He says “Yo, fat man!Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?”

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass……..

Genealogist’s Christmas Wish

Dear Santa: Don’t bring me new dishes,

I don’t need a new kind of game.

Genealogists have peculiar wishes

For Christmas I just want a surname.

A new washing machine would be great,

But it’s not the desire of my life.

I’ve just found an ancestor’s birth date;

What I need now is the name of his wife.

My heart doesn’t yearn for a ring

That would put a real diamond to shame.

What I want is a much cheaper thing;

Please give me Mary’s last name.

To see my heart singing with joy,

Don’t bring me a read leather suitcase,

Bring me a genealogist’s toy;

a surname with dates and a place.

Southern Wise Men

In a small southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a “Quik Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!”

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

This ‘N That

A traveling gypsy carnival has put down stakes for a couple days outside a small town. One of the attractions is a dwarf fortune-teller.

Several of the townspeople visit the sideshow and, along with having their “futures revealed,” find that their pockets have been picked. Unfortunately, by the time the trail leads back to the fortune-teller, he and the rest of the carnival have vanished.

A police report is quickly prepared, and an all-points bulletin goes out to the patrol cars: “All cars, we’ve received calls regarding robberies perpetrated by a dwarf gypsy fortune-teller. Be on the lookout for a small medium at large.”

Two sweet young things are in a mall parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They try and try to get the door open, but it won’t budge.

The girl with the coat hanger finally stops for a moment to catch her breath.

“Don’t stop now,” her friend says anxiously. “It’s starting to rain, and the top is down.”

A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation. His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn’t help. Her son’s memory was blank.

Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, “I am the light of the world.”

The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said, “My mother is the light of the world.”

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror.

He thinks “I can outrun this guy,” so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway — 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures “what the heck,” and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says “listen mister, I’ve had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I’ll let you go.”

The man thought for a moment and said…”Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!

“Have a nice day,” the officer replied.

The Perfect Couple

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

Answer: The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep reading.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

**** Men Keep reading.

By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen…

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.

‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,’ he replies.

‘Put them back, we can’t afford them,’ demands the wife, and so  they carry on shopping.A few aisles further on the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.

‘Its my face cream.  It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife

Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.’

On the PA system: ‘Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.’

 

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. – David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. – Sacha Guitry

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. – Jackie Mason

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together. — Hemant Joshi

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

If God Wanted Me To Touch My Toes, She Would Have Put Them On My Knees

By Frank Kaiser

My wife and I are embarking on an exercise and diet program that’s supposed to make us look and feel 20 years younger.

I keep trying to remember 20 years ago, and can’t seem to find any reason to want to return.

So today, as I realize that I have survived long enough to be a Senior, I also know that I could stand to lose a bit of the roll that has mysteriously appeared around my waist.

My wife has been fighting her weight all her life. She’s lost and regained enough pounds to make up several other people. In one year of desperate deprivation, she lost over 100 pounds and still saw a fatty in the mirror. Now she wants to knock off about 30 nasty, persistent pounds. She’s done Jazzercise, Atkins, Weightwatchers, and Jenny Craig — but always those hard-fought losses came creeping back.

Maybe there’s a universal law that we don’t know about, much like Murphy’s or Moore’s, where every ounce lost always must be replaced. And you certainly don’t want to mess with Mother Nature.

My wife and I have tried no-carb diets, high protein, even lots of calorie counting. We’ve walked until we thought our legs were broken. I swim daily. (I hate exercising so I have to swim early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.)

All this and neither of us can lose an ounce and keep it off.

Last week we considered eliminating all breads and sugars. We know a guy who did just that, and he now looks much thinner. Also 20 years older. In fact, all those 20-years-younger promises are definitely bogus. When we oldsters loose weight, we loose it in our faces first, which just creates more wrinkles, not to mention an unhealthy pallor that alarms the children.

Sure, we know the morbid statistics. Folks our age, especially the fatties, are dropping like flies. How sad to spend 60 years or more becoming the person you really want to be, only to croak before everyone gets to know that real you.

So once more, our fridge is full of lettuce, spinach, watermelon, rabbit food of all sorts. And we’re exercising. They say for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. Ten miles, ten minutes. At that rate, in 20 years you’ll have an extra month and a half of unbearable arthritic pain and memory losses. (At least while you’re jogging you’ll hear heavy breathing again!)

Once again, we’re eating food we hate, walking too fast and too far, drinking so much water that we never can be more than 10 steps from a bathroom. And why? To painfully lose a few pounds that, like Lassie, will always come back home where they belong.

There must be a lesson here. Maybe the joy is in the suffering, and like Zen, you should never get attached to anything, especially chocolate.

And The Battle Continues …

A Word To The Wise Woman

1. Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same – they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him check books.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Men Strike Back

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me.”

How do you fix a woman’s watch?You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?A woman who won’t do what she’s told.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.It’s called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street carrying a beer and sporting a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

“YaGotta Laugh” …

The economy is so bad that:

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

When I ordered a burger at McDonald’s and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald’s is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges and Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.

Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally … I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in  Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

But don’t worry: President Obama has a plan to bail out the bailout.He went on TV today to reassure the public. I don’t know if it worked, because halfway through the speech two guys came in and repossessed the podium.

The U.S. Post Office announced they could run out of cash by the end of the year. They said they’re in serious danger of becoming a bank. That’s how bad it is.

Actually, at the urging of my financial adviser, I’m diversifying where I put my money.The key is diversification. Well, I got some in the backyard, some in the crawl space, some in the mattress.

I’ll give you an idea of how bad the economy is, I wrote a five-dollar check over the weekend, the check was good, the bank bounced. I’ll give you an idea how bad the dollar is, I went to buy gold, they said, ‘oh, we can only buy it with gold.’ That’s how bad it is. In fact, the guy in the Rolls-Royce with the Grey Poupon had to switch to French’s mustard.

I tell you, the economy continues to spiral. Oh, man, I saw a bank robber today being held up by a teller.

Experts say we’re going through what’s known as a lock, stock and barrel financial phase. You know what that is, and how that works? People are locked out of their homes, their stocks are worthless, and the oil companies have us over a barrel. That’s how it works.

No Pun In Ten Did

The ability to make and understand puns is the highest level of language development. Here are the ten first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says “Dam!”

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off.  “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!”

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to Spain ; they named him ‘Juan’. The other went to family in Egypt and was named ‘Ahmal’. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.  He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.  He went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored him.  So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to ‘persuade’ them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good!) ‘super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.’

10. And finally… There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. “

Test Your Teens!!! –

These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades.

“When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.”

“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water”

“When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide”

“Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state”

“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”

“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”

“Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”

“Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.”

“The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”

“Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.”

“A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”

“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”

“The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, and u.”

“The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.”

“The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.”

“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”

“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”

“The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”

“A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”

“Equator: A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.”

“Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”

“Liter: A nest of young puppies.”

“Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.”

“Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.”

“Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.”

“Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.”

“Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”

“To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.”

“For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.”

“To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.”

“For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.”

New Words For 2010

 

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace:

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line generation’s answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMS: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What couples get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find your self unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404: Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.

18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

The Incredible Shrinking Me!

By Frank Kaiser

Behind my back, while I was busy doing other things, my body shrank. Big time!Last I checked, I was a hair over six feet tall. Now my doctor tells me that I’ve shriveled down to a shrimp-size five foot ten inches.And I’m becoming more abbreviated by the day!If I were a mouse, I’d have disappeared already.

My thinning topside (my ears often hairier than my head) can’t account for the entire two inches.

I suppose if I could somehow stretch the wrinkles, bags and sags out of my face, I’d gain a half-inch or so.Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.On the plus side, I now have an excuse for my expanding potbelly; those inches had to go somewhere.My doc says, “Don’t worry. Get used to it. It’s just part of the aging process.”The aging process, my butt! Death is just part of the aging process.

The thing is, no one ever tells us what we’re in for once we reach age 60 or so. Aging Process 101 ought to be mandatory somewhere along the way. Instead, we breeze through life unconcerned, oblivious to the calamities dead ahead upon reaching the so-called Golden Age. (Have you noticed? You don’t hear that ridiculous golden phrase much anymore. It was such a whopper, even politicians now are embarrassed to use it.)

THEY SAY WISDOM COMES WITH AGE.BUT SOMETIMES, AGE COMES ALONE.

Looking back, I see that I should have paid far more attention to the commercials accompanying the evening news. You know, those little horror flicks about arthritis pain relievers, false teeth paste, adult diapers and wickedly acidic stomachs.But I was never going to get old. Neither were you, I’ll bet. We never remotely considered it.Then, suddenly, we’re the Incredible Shrinking Geezers with all manner of maladies, wondering what we did to deserve this regrettable turn of events.

Certainly, if we’d known we were going to live this long, we’d have taken better care of ourselves.

It’s pathetic, really.Inside, we’re this healthy, strong and — I don’t mind saying — good-looking 23-year-old with hair, suddenly astonished that we can no longer remember where we parked our car.

Humorist George Carlin has an interesting thought about all this. He says that the current life cycle is backward. We should begin life by getting old and dying thus getting all that unpleasantness out of the way early on. Then we get a gold watch, go to work until we’re young enough to enjoy our retirement. We party. Go back to school. Have no responsibilities. Become a baby. Return to the womb where we spend our last nine months floating.

Are you listening, God?

When Irish Eyes Are Reading!

An Irish surgeon who had couched a cataract and restored the sight of a poor woman in Dublin, observed in her case what he deemed a phenomenon in optics; on which he called together his professional brethren, declaring himself unequal to the solution.

He stated to them that the sight of his patient was so perfectly restored, that she could see to thread the smallest needle, or to perform any other operation, which required particular accuracy of vision; but that when he presented her with a book, she was not capable of distinguishing one letter from another!

This very singular case excited the ingenuity of all the gentlemen present, and various solutions were offered, but none could command the general assent. Doubt crowded on doubt, and the problem grew darker from every explanation, when at length, by a question put by the servant who attended, it was discovered that the woman never learned to read!

An American tourist was boasting to an Irishman how advanced the Americans are. “Gee, we’ve ever put a man on the moon.”

“That’s nothing,” repled the Irishman, “We’re going to put a man on the sun.”

“Don’t be stupid,” said the American,” “he’ll fry before he even gets there.”

“Oh no, he won’t. We’re sending him at night.”

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “What’ll you have?”

The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”

The bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”

The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine — I just quit drinking

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do, Father.”

The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”

Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.

“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father!”

The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

Quick And Painless

At least it was a painless death, and Jack found himself waiting in the long line for his final Judgment.

As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan, who threw them into the burning pit.

But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, Jack’s curiosity got the best of him.

He strolled over and said “Excuse me, Prince of Darkness, I’m waiting in line for your judgment, but I couldn’t help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?”

“Oh them” Satan groaned. “They’re all from Northern Utah. They’re still too cold and wet to burn.”

Selma was enjoying the first cruise she had ever taken. She wandered into one of the ships bars and ordered Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender served her the drink, Selma said “This is the first time I’ve taken a cruise, and I’m celebrating my 80th birthday today.”

The bartender said “Congratulations, this drink is on me.”

As Selma finished her drink, the woman to her right said, “I’d would like to buy you a drink, too.”Selma again ordered Scotch with two drops of water.

When she finished that drink, the man to her left said, “Happy Birthday. I’d like to buy you one, too.”Again, she ordered Scotch with two drops of water.”

As the bartender served her the drink, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”

Selma replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says, “Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.”

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.  When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.  As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, “Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.At the third red light, the same thing happens again.  All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window.

Again she says, “Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has seven items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, shampoo and a towel…

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

 

Only In America…

 

Think about these and ask yourself why?
Only in America…do drugstores make the sick walk
all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes and candy bars at the front.
Only in America…do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke… While contemplating surgery for being too fat.
Only in America…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Plus hire a rent a cop with a gun that would make Barney Fife look like Dirty Harry.
Only in America…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight… don’t forget screws in three’s and nails by the dozen.
Only in America…do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’!
Only in America…do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

 

EVER WONDER?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is it that doctors and lawyers call what they do “practice”?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Guys, Be Careful What You Wish For!

 

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.  He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
“Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.  I want her to know what I go through.  So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen!” 

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.  The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.  He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,  Awakened the kids,  Set out their school clothes,  Fed them breakfast,  Packed their lunches,  Drove them to school,  Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,  Took it to the cleaners  and stopped at the bank to make a deposit,  Went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries,  Paid the bills and balanced the check book.  He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.  Then, it was already 1P.M.  And he hurried to make the beds, Do the laundry, vacuum, dust,  And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.  Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.  Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.  Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.  At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.  At 9:00 P.M He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.  The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: –  “Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking.  I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day.  Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.  Amen!”  The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:  “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.  You’ll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.”

 

You Know You’re Aging When…

 

You’ve come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.
The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car—in the “ten items or less” lane.
You’ve stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.
You’ve found yourself discussing rain gutters.
You remember your kid’s names, just not always the right one.
You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.
Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.
You buy “age-defying” makeup and “antiwrinkle” creams and believe they work.
You’ve realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak.
As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.
You’ve had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic—“for the last time in a generation”
You’d pay good money to be strip-searched.
Wal-Mart and target seem to share your fashion sense.
The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.
You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag—in less than five minutes.
You know what Earth Shoes are.
You think if you hear “Stairway to Heaven” one more time your head will explode.
Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.
On Saturday night, when your wife mentions “hot oil, a little friction, and squealing,” you tell her you’ll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning.

 

 

Know The Symptoms

Thank goodness there’s a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D… –
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I’m going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.
I’m going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye–they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I’m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote….
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I’ll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn’t washed
the bills aren’t paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don’t have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote, oh my
I can’t find my glasses,
and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I’m really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first I’ll check my e-mail….
Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Signs You May be Getting Older

 

You know you’re getting there when…
Everything that works hurts,
and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
You feel like the morning after,
and you haven’t been anywhere.
Your little black book only contains
names ending in M.D.
Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

 

Another Perishing List

You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and
discover you aren’t wearing any.
At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle,
pop and you’re not eating cereal.
Your back goes out but you stay home.
When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
When happy hour is a nap.
When you’re on vacation and your energy runs out
before your money does.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Real Mothers…

 

Real Mothers don’t eat quiche; they don’t have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried Play dough doesn’t come out of shag carpets.

Real Mothers don’t want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.

Real Mothers sometimes ask, “Why me?” and get their answer when a little voice says, “Because I love you best.”

Real Mothers know that a child’s growth is not measured by height or years or grade.  It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom…

 

Quotes From Famous Mothers

Mona Lisa’s Mother:  “This you call a smile after all the money your father and I spent on braces?”

Michelangelo’s Mother:  “Why can’t you paint on walls like other children?  Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?”

Abe Lincoln’s Mother:  “Again with the hat?  Why can’t you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

George Washington’s Mother:  “Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye.”

Napoleon’s Mother:  “All right, if you’re not hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me!”

Christopher Columbus’ Mother:  “I don’t care what you’ve discovered.  You still could have written.”

Thomas Edison’s Mother:  “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb.  Now turn if off and go to sleep.”

Paul Revere’s mother:  “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man — midnight is long past your bedtime.”

Albert Einstein’s mother:  “But it’s your senior photograph!  Couldn’t you have done something with your hair?”

Moses’ mother:  “That’s a good story.  Now tell me where you’ve really been for the last forty years.”

 

 

Why God Made Moms

 

“Why God made moms” answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.
Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What’s the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
4. Moms have magic; they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect!  Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.

 

Real Mothers…

 

Real Mothers don’t eat quiche; they don’t have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried Play dough doesn’t come out of shag carpets.

Real Mothers don’t want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.

Real Mothers sometimes ask, “Why me?” and get their answer when a little voice says, “Because I love you best.”

Real Mothers know that a child’s growth is not measured by height or years or grade.  It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom…

 

Quotes From Famous Mothers

Mona Lisa’s Mother:  “This you call a smile after all the money your father and I spent on braces?”

Michelangelo’s Mother:  “Why can’t you paint on walls like other children?  Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?”

Abe Lincoln’s Mother:  “Again with the hat?  Why can’t you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

George Washington’s Mother:  “Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye.”

Napoleon’s Mother:  “All right, if you’re not hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me!”

Christopher Columbus’ Mother:  “I don’t care what you’ve discovered.  You still could have written.”

Thomas Edison’s Mother:  “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb.  Now turn if off and go to sleep.”

Paul Revere’s mother:  “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man — midnight is long past your bedtime.”

Albert Einstein’s mother:  “But it’s your senior photograph!  Couldn’t you have done something with your hair?”

Moses’ mother:  “That’s a good story.  Now tell me where you’ve really been for the last forty years.”

 

Pondering Imponderables

 1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist? 
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12.’I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 
14. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what Chinese mothers use; Toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.
19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE 
20. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? 
23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it? 
24. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo? 
25. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?

 

The Gift Of Law

 

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, “I had a big house built for Mama.”
The second said, “I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house.”
The third said, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600.”
The fourth said, “Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read it anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.”
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote: “Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”
“Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”
“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.”
“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious.
Thanks. Mom.”

 

Humorous Headlines

 

Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal To Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse To Work After Death

Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found By Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years At Checkout Counter

War Dims Hope For Peace

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

 

Bumper Stickers for Women

So many men, so few who can afford me.

God made us sisters. Prozac made us friends.

If they don’t have chocolate in heaven, I ain’t going.

My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.

Coffee, chocolate, men, some things are just better rich.

Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. 

I’m out of estrogen, and I have a gun.

Guys have feelings too.  But like, who cares?

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

And your point is…?

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Of course I don’t look busy, I did it right the first time.

Do not start with me. You will not win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.

If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.

 

 

The Preacher, The IRS And The Lawyer

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, “Father, why did you ask the two of us to come?”
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go, too.”

The Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the huge heart opened, and the cardiologists’ casket was rolled inside. The heart then closed…. sealing the cardiologist within the beautiful heart forever.
One of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said: “I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I’m a gynecologist.”

This Week’s Best Blond Joke

Norman and his wife live up north in Minnesota. One winter morning while listening to the radio they hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through.” Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through.” Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park……..” Just then the electric power goes out.
Norman’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?”
With love and understanding in his voice, like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, “Why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time, Sweetheart?

 

 

 

The Very Friendly Skies!

 

An attractive young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course, what may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”

From The Cockpit

1. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
2. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with you with our compliments.”
3. “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”
5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate.

OOPS!

One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.

Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in from angry wives asking: “What trip?”

 

 

What The Doctor Says And What The Doctor Really Means!

 

“This won’t hurt a bit.”   (“It will hurt a lot.”)

“This should be taken care of right away.”     (“I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.”)

“Welllllll, what have we here…” (Since he hasn’t the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.)

“We’ll see.” (“First I have to check my malpractice insurance.”)

“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.” (“I’m playing golf this afternoon”)

“Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.” (Since he hasn’t the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.)  (Proctologists also say this a lot.)

“I have some good news and some bad news.” (The good news is he’s going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you’re going to pay for it.)

“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”  (“I think I’m going to throw up.”)

 

Some Bottom Line HMOs, You Can’t Get Much Lower Than This!

Pedal-powered dialysis machines.

Use of antibiotics deemed an “unauthorized experimental procedure.”

Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of “War and Peace.”

Exam room has a tip jar.

The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.

Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.

You can get your flu shot as soon as the hypodermic needle is dry.

 

No HMOs In Utah, Even For Dogs!

A man carried his dog into the veterinarian’s office. The dog was limp and near death. The vet checked the dog over, and then the dog gave a sigh and stopped breathing. “I’m sorry sir, but your dog is dead,” said the vet.

“I want a second opinion!” cried the man, deeply upset at the loss of his pet.

So the vet went into the back room and brought out a cat, and sat the cat on the examination table. The cat walked up and down the table sniffing the dog, then looked up at the veterinarian and meowed.

“The cat agrees that your dog is dead,” announced the vet. Still not satisfied, the man demanded another opinion. So the vet went out, and then came back with a black Labrador retriever.

He set the dog on the table and he walked up and down the examination table sniffing the dead dog, then looked at the vet and barked. “The Lab agrees that your dog is dead,” said the vet.

Finally the man agreed there was nothing to be done. He asked the vet how much he owed him. “$650,” said the vet.

“WHAT? $650? Why so much?” asked the man.

The vet replied, “My diagnosis was just $50. The other $600 was for the cat scan and the lab test.”

 

Memorable Motoring Moments

 

A man saw an advertisement in a paper which read, “Porsche for sale: $200.”

He went to view it, expecting to find a battered heap of rust, but instead found himself face to face with a gleaming new model in mint condition.

“Why are you selling it for $200?” he asked the lady.

“Simple. Last week, my husband ran off with his secretary. He said: ‘You can keep the house, but sell my Porsche and send the money to me.”

 

George was driving a Yugo on the interstate when it broke down.

A short while later, a Porsche driver named Ted stopped and offered to give the Yugo a tow. “If I go too fast,” said Ted, “Honk your horn.”

So the Porsche set off with the Yugo in tow.

A few miles down the road, a Corvette pulled alongside the Porsche.

The Corvette driver, Jeremy, called out, “I bet I can outrace you with that thing in tow behind you.”

Now, Ted was up for the challenge and the two cars sped off side by side down the highway. Two State Troopers watched in disbelief as the cars flew by.

“Did you see that Porsche and Corvette racing neck and neck?” said one.

The other said, “Yeah. And what about that little Yugo flying behind them, honking his horn, trying to pass?”

 

“The car won’t start,” said Clara to her husband. “I think there’s water in the carburetor.”
“How do you know?” said her husband scornfully. “You don’t even know what the carburetor is.”
“I’m telling you,” repeated Clara, “I’m sure there’s water in the carburetor.”
“We’ll see,” mocked Art. “Let me check it out. Where’s the car?”
“In the swimming pool, “replied Clara.

 

70-year-old Herman sat down in the orthopedic surgeon’s office.

“You know, Doc,” he said, “I’ve made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know, must be at least a thousand.”

“And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions,” the medic said.

“Heck, no,” Herman replied. “I want to borrow your Lamborghini!”

 

 

Marital Mirth!

 

 

 

 

 

The Joys Of Golfing

 

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. “Bad day at the course?” his wife asked. “Everything was going fine,” he said. “Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.” “Oh, that’s awful!” “You’re not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.

Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of golf together. They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the second, “My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for me?” The second guy says, “Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit.” So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to his buddy and says, “Did you see it?” “Sure!” says his buddy. “Where did it go?” the first guy asks. The second old man thinks for a minute and says, “I can’t remember.”

 

Hawk and Tom were talking in the bar. Hawk said,” I just got kicked off the course for breaking 60.” Tom looked at him, amazed. “Breaking 60? That’s amazing!” Hawk smiled and said,” Yeah, I never knew a golf cart could go that fast!”

 

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, it was like this”, said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it–stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my big mistake.”

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the cow’s tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!”. I don’t remember much after that.

Working With The FBI

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello?”
“Hello, is this the FBI?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I’m calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Thibodeaux and leave.
The phone rings at Thibodeaux’s house.
“Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep”
“Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

 

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were “protecting.” Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can’t communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is.” The interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?” The deaf man replies, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The interpreter tells the hood, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.” The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. “Now ask him where the money is!” The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?” The deaf man replies, “The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park.” The interpreter says to the hood, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and doesn’t think you have the guts to pull the trigger.”

Questions And Answers From AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you’re done you’ll have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously!  What can I do for these Crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: “Gosh, I remember these!”

 

Thanks for the memory!

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.

“And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly. “The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “I’ve come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?”

 

 

That’s Life!

 

College Cure

Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, “Your son gone back to college yet?” 
“Two days ago.” 
“Mine’s a senior this year, so it’s almost over. In May, he’ll be an engineer. What’s your boy going to be when he gets out of college?” 
“At the rate he’s going, I’d say he’ll be about thirty.” 
“No, I mean what’s he taking in college?” 
“He’s taking every penny I make.” 
“Doesn’t he burn the midnight oil enough?” 
“He doesn’t get in early enough to burn the midnight oil.” 
“Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?” 
“Sure has! It’s totally cured his mother of bragging about him.”

 

21st. Century Marriage

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. 
As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. 
“I’m sorry,” the clerk said. “This man just ordered our last bunch.” 
The desperate customer turned to me and begged, “May I please have those roses?” 
“What happened?” I asked. “Did you forget your wedding anniversary?” 
“It’s even worse than that,” he confided. “I crashed my wife’s hard drive!”

 

Bachelor Cooking

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. 
“I got a cookbook once,” said the first, “but I could never do anything with it.” 
“Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asked the second. 
“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – Take a clean dish and….”

 

Politician’s Sandwich

On the Listening Tour, a prominent politician was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town he was visiting had named a sandwich after him. 
He was somewhat less pleased after he found out what was in it. 
“Mostly baloney,” said the proprietor.

 

Seeing Stars

A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there’s something wrong with her password. No, it’s not the usual caps-lock problem. 

“The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars,” she says. 
“Those asterisks are to protect you,” the Help Desk technician explains, “so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn’t be able to read your password.” 
“Yeah,” she says, “but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me.”

 

Get the picture?

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture of handcuffs.