Issue 9.13
While it can be healthy to be dependent or connected to someone else, there comes a time when it’s also important to be INDEPENDENT. As an adult you need to realize your own strengths and talents separate from a friend, parent or partner. Many individuals seem to get stuck in co-dependent relationships where one person is non-functioning because of destructive misbehavior (rebellion, addiction, abuse, etc.) and the other person ENABLES that behavior at their own expense. The goal is to be two fully functioning independent individuals.
Co-dependency is …a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another. It often involves placing a lower priority on one’s own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community…and may be characterized by low self-esteem. (Wikipedia)
It’s not easy to change a co-dependent relationship, even when there is extreme emotional pain going on or physical/emotional abuse. At some point the hurting person or victim needs to TAKE A STAND to break the co-dependency cycle. i.e. Make a decision and stay with it: I will not permit you to misbehave by… You will get help or I will leave. There are groups in every community who can assist a co-dependent individual (man or woman) to escape to a better safer situation and learn coping skills. Those who find themselves trapped in a relationship where their spouse is unresponsive to the needs of family members because of an addiction (drugs, alcohol or pornography) or acts out with uncontrolled anger need help. While these are extremes, it’s important to know that a healthy relationship should enable BOTH individuals to achieve their potential, not just one person at the expense of the other.
In our desire to help others, sometimes we RESCUE them from the effects of their own misbehavior-–be it an addiction, breaking a law or not being responsible. With our adult children, it’s easy to want to help just a little too much thus weakening their abilities. We RESCUE them at our own expense. It’s a delicate balance to just advise when asked, not jump in and solve all problems for others thereby making it a codependent relationship. It’s important to analyze your personal interactions making sure you are balancing your needs against the agency of others involved.
NEXT TIME: Synergy. Write Your Life Story workshop by Lin Floyd at AHA! Artful Healing Academy 71 N 100 W in St. George on Fri. March 8 6-8 pm and Sat. March 9 from 10 am-3 pm. Cost $50 which includes lunch on Sat. or $45 if you register early before March 5. Call 628-8522 or email lin@sunrivertoday.com for more info.